This morning I started thinking of some of the things that happened in my childhood.
My mother never showed any interest in the things I did. I was a good athlete; she never came to any of my athletics. I broke records; she never showed any interest in it. When it was parent teacher evening she always wrote a letter that gave some or other reason why she won’t be able to attend. She couldn’t make it to a single one. A lot of times I signed my own tests. She did not mind. I was an average student, and that was enough for her. I never gave her any problems. There were times when she did not give me anything for my birthday.. It wasn’t that she couldn’t afford it; it was just too much trouble for her. She would say.. I’ll get you something later.. then ends up not giving anything.
I remember when I was in the 6th grade. There was this dress up competition I wanted to participate in. I wanted to dress up in something creative. I asked my mother to help me. She said that I could dress up as the Statue of Liberty. She had a whole lot of ideas. We were going put a white crown on my head with the whole flame thing – then paint me all white. She helped me make the things I needed. It was fun! I couldn’t wait for the competition.
The day of the competition she said that she was going to come to school to help me dress. When the time came for us to get dressed a lot of mommies showed up to help their children get dressed. I waited for my mother… felt like I was waiting forever.. I couldn’t start on my own because she had my clothes with her. I started crying when the competition began. I then went to the school library. I helped them pack away the books. She did show up eventually… but she was too late.
For me this was a big thing. It is not so much about my mother. I know she did what she could. And she had her reasons for doing the things she did. It is more about the role time plays in my life.
I always had a thing about being on time. Since I was little I would stress about being late. My parents weren’t time orientated at all. So many times I would be late for school, just because I had to wait for my parents to take me. Once in high school I had to go to the principal’s office with all the other students that were late for school. He screamed at us.. I hate getting into trouble for things that weren’t my fault! I walked most of the time when I could just so that I could be early.
Still I’m always on time. The times when I am not, it would be because I don’t want to be the first to arrive – I wanted to break that pattern in my life. It was only a few times when I was late because of just total chaos which I couldn’t avoid.
Still I would stress about the silliest things. If someone would stand up to witness in church.. I would start to stress if they talk too long because I think that our pastor would not approve. If someone says that they would phone later… I would wait… I hate that! I would tell myself they weren’t going to call, but still I end up waiting..
Even though I lose time, I’m still on time for things. It is like I have an internal reminder or alarm clock – which is good. I just wish it wasn’t so much of an issue.