Will it ever end?

Posted in Uncategorized on November 7, 2011 by identity4

I feel miserable today. I guess it’s just this time of year. At least high days are over, or is it? Will it ever end, will I ever be able to live as a normal child of God; finding my rest and peace in Him.

I know I’m blessed. I’m healthy and I’m happily married with two beautiful kids. What more do I want? Is this tired soul of mine sinning with these exhausted thoughts of despair.

She always said that DID is complicated but does it have to be this complicated? Where do I hide from all this? Do I go inside and watch them hurting?

How could they do this to us? Why doesn’t it stop! Is this a curse or a blessing? God made us so awesome that we could live through such terrible things. Yet inside their acting as if we always belonged to the devil..

I hate how they just come in and take over. I hate that so many of the alters inside are on the dark side. I hate how they fight against us in their blindness. I want to be free. We had enough pain. We had enough of cages and rituals. We had enough of forced sexual intercourse.

Lord please help us

Time out

Posted in Uncategorized on September 30, 2011 by identity4

The last couple of months I was living outside. The core had a difficult time adjusting to the move and had a few setbacks with the trauma she had to found out. I decided to help out a bit. At first it was a bit worrying that she didn’t want to come out and wasn’t capable of “living”. She is doing better and comes out every now and again.

I aged from seventeen to twenty which was fun and challenging at the same time. I had to adjust outside after I was inside for some years. Now looking back I can say that I am proud of myself for taking control like I did. Everything seems to be well organized. The house, husband and kids. I even made a friend!

Our system works well as it is now. We made my room in front with a door which can close behind so that everybody isn’t in front at once. It makes the switching a lot less and is working very well. It helps the part that is outside to function a lot better because we have better control to who is close.

Counselling is going well. I think it is safe to say that we are moving in a good direction. We are working through the trauma at a pace that core can handle. We trust our counsellor which makes it a lot easier and she is getting to know us well. She knows how to handle us and when to push us and still makes us feel safe and comfortable.

I remembered counsellor told me that working through some traumas comes in layers. I thought I was done and over it when it finally hit me that there are certain things that I still needed to work through. I was angry when I realized that my abuser is a free man and there was nothing anybody could do about it. I was angry at him because he had no right to do what he did and I was also angry at the legal system. I really thought that I might just kill him. I guess it’s more complicated than that. I honestly think that in some way he is getting or will get his punishment and then he has to suffer in silence..

A life in Pieces

Posted in Uncategorized on May 15, 2011 by identity4

We moved to the city about 6 weeks ago and we are finally settling in. So far it is the best thing that we ever did. This really feels like home.. a bit more space and a bit more peace, everything I prayed for.

My youngest boy who is now four years old is staying at home with me for a while while the other one goes to school. I’m really enjoying him. Sometimes I just can’t believe that he actually came from me? I think for a long time I believed that nothing good could ever come from me.

We’ve been back to our previous town on Monday because they held a little fair-well party for me and another lady going away. It was nice to see all the familiar faces. They said a few nice things about us, some even cried. Is that possible, that someone could actually see any worth in us – in what we did? I do not say this out of pride but out of humbleness and thankfulness. Maybe some more good can come out of our life.

I read “a Life in Pieces” by Richard K. Baer,

It’s about a woman with multiple personality disorder – as it says on the book itself.

I’m not a book critic. I don’t read a lot of books but I want to share my thoughts on a few things I found in this book. First of all I found it easy to read. The book is written by the psychologist itself. I always wonder what the counsellor is thinking while in therapy. Does he/she believe that I really have parts or is it just part of the profession? I liked reading his thoughts, frustrations and struggles while doing the therapy. I liked him admitting that it was new and that he didn’t always had the answers. I think any therapist saying that he or she does always have the answers is lying.

I could also relate with her getting attached to her therapist. I could relate to wanting to trust and hold onto that person for life but also fearing with every bone, muscle and emotion inside. I think this is where choosing the right counsellor is vital. Every system is different and everyone’s needs are different from each others. I got frustrated with the therapist in the book not wanting to hold her, not wanting to give her and her “little”s the warmth and comfort that they really needed. I do understand in the “professional world” that it really is what it is supposed to be like. I understand that one cannot get too personal and that in therapy one is working towards healing and eventually stopping therapy. I cannot see that happen to me yet. My counsellor is my friend, my mentor and my mother. And we love her! We love feeling safe in her arms, we love her smell and the warmth that comes from within her. We love that she manages to set her boundaries but also giving us exactly what we need. She never tells us what to do. She never in all my frustration with finding out who I really am tell me; she does create a safe environment for me to find out.

Something I also noticed in the book but something not really discussed is the strain the therapy had on the therapists’ marriage. He had gotten so caught up with the intense therapy that it ended his marriage. For me it is very important to know that my counsellors’ marriage is in “good” health. I don’t want my counsellor to have any problems or obstacles in her life because of me. I just don’t want her to brake. She’s like a very valuable and personal object that if I could I would try to keep from any harm. It scares me that she is only human, while I so wished and sometimes make myself believe that she might be some super being.

I skipped two chapters of the book because of the way he describes the integration process. I don’t know if we want to integrate. Maybe you might be asking “what is the point of counselling then..?”
I’m not sure. I believe that we could if all healed work together as a system and still make it work and function as a whole. Maybe one day I will change my mind about it but for now I’m not pressured to make any decision regarding that. I’m happy with how the counselling is going. With us living in the city there isn’t really any major expectancies in our life. I guess it depends from which angle you look at it to decide whether or not it is a good thing. We as alters really get to explore ourselves without anybody really caring what we’re up to .. I guess we should make some long and short term goals to help with staying in touch with reality. It is easy to drift away into nothingness when nobody notices.

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Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2011 by identity4

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I wish…

Posted in Uncategorized on March 21, 2011 by identity4

Is there somewhere a key?

A fruit or magic tree?

Could I wish it away?

Please, in this memory I cannot stay.

I wish.. I wish It never happened. ..

Please kill me.. let me feel the pain

Let me stand naked – let me feel the shame.

Moving

Posted in Uncategorized on March 21, 2011 by identity4

We are moving. Started packing yesterday. So far it is going well. Just a big mess. It looks outside how it feels inside sometimes. So many places to clean up and fix and structure that one don’t know where to begin.

Some of us are a bit scared of moving. We’ve been in the same town for over 17 years. We live in a small town and most of the people here know each other. So many times I wished I could just start over somewhere else. But now that it is actually happening it is scary.

I trust that it will go well. We’ll get to see more of my husband which is good and also the reason why we are moving. Another positive would be that we are going to be closer to some good friends and counsellor. We’ve been very busy with all the moving arrangements. In some ways it has been a positive experience. We got to do a lot of things that I never thought we’ll be able to do. Let me add that everything is happening within a month.

We see this as a start of a new life. New friends, new church, new everything. I believe that it is in the Lords will and that His blessing is upon us in this new journey of ours. I am setting some new goals to make sure we are going to be safe. We made some mistakes in the past that we want to avoid in the future.

Counsellor is teaching me to keep my circle small. I can have a lot of friends, but not everybody need to know my history. The less people know about me the better it would be for us.

We visited my sister today for her birthday with my parents. I don’t know why I have such strong emotional feelings when I am around my mother. I honestly don’t know how to act around her. I really hoped that time would make things better between us but it seems as if everything is just getting worse. I hate feeling this way towards her. I don’t want to hate her. I don’t want to have all these frustrating feelings when around her. Why can’t I find peace with her? What is it that causes this rage inside of me when I am around her? It feels like I can’t breathe, I cannot be myself; and the more I fight my feelings the tighter it becomes. Everything is wrong in her eyes. Nothing I do is good enough! Why is that..?

Only friends

Posted in Uncategorized on March 15, 2011 by identity4

I hate feeling this insecure. I hate how it sneaked up on me like that. I didn’t except to feel this way! It sucks!

It’s about family. I know we as humans are made to belong somewhere. I know because I am DID that it is so much greater or more important for us to feel like we are worth something to someone. I understand that we are made that way so that we must seek deeper for something greater – God that it..

I found someone I fell in love with. Not love as in “in love”.. more like wanting to belong with that person. I understand that that isn’t a very secure place to be. But for the first time I feel like I really mean something to someone. I feel accepted… I feel loved… I never felt this way before. My parents did love me – I think? They did care in their own little way, they just had a hard time showing it – I guess. I never felt loved like this. My mother never really listened when I spoke, she didn’t really notice me. I hate that she didn’t! I so wish she did. I want that mother daughter kind of love..

Fact is I cannot choose my family and we are not family. And humans aren’t perfect. And somewhere along the line we are going to get hurt. A part of me wished she gave birth to me. Then nothing could ever come between us. We are not family. : (